Added: Lianna Gunning - Date: 19.02.2022 04:42 - Views: 44091 - Clicks: 1464
Log in. Jump to Latest Follow. Status Not open for further replies. ed Jun 22, I could really use some help and perspectives here. My husband and I are in a crisis - trying very quickly to get in to see a marriage counselor and get help. But in the meantime, I'm a wreck and can't get my thoughts straight. The backstory: we've been together 11 years, married 8. We have two young kids, ages 2 and 5.
We're great friends, don't fight, and have a comfortable marriage. But ever since kids and the accompanying exhaustion, no time, chaos, etc. I think our connection has faded. Sex most definitely has - I've had almost no libido since before kids, and I've had ificant pain with intercourse ever since childbirth. I'm committed to continue trying and want to get back to having a good sex life and romantic partnership, and most assure me there's nothing wrong with me.
I've tried to be open and try some of them with him handcuffs, chastity. Some I can tolerate, some I can't. None of them excite me sexually but then almost nothing does. It causes us both a lot of stress I constantly feel bad and stressed that I'm not meeting his needs, and he's constantly frustrated to not have his needs met and feel like I'm forcing myself to do things I don't want to do.
Then the bomb dropped I found the idea devastating and shocking - I've always believed that's an intimacy that married people commit to sharing only with each other. I told him very clearly that I would work together with him to find a way to meet his needs, but that was my limit - I did not want him to be with other women.
He says he still loves me and still wants us to be lovers and partners and best friends, and this would just be sex. I'm feeling devastated and backed up against a ledge. We both want very badly to avoid a divorce. And I don't understand what he's feeling or desiring or "needing", but I understand that he feels equally desperate and legitimately needs something. He is not a jerk and is not doing this to hurt me. He says this is a deep need for him equivalent to someone realizing they are gay; if he were telling me he was gay, I would honor and respect that that's who he is.
I might be naive, but I want desperately to find some way to meet his need that doesn't involve him turning to other women. He keeps asking me to articulate why I am so opposed to it and wants to try to work through or negotiate any objections. And that's where I'm stuck I can't explain to him what I feel and could really use help articulating or trying to understand. He keeps asking: - why does a marriage have to mean exclusive sex? This probably sounds stupid, but I would genuinely appreciate others' ideas on how you would answer these questions if your spouse put them to you or thoughts on my situation.
I'm so emotional right now that I can't think straight. And my husband is so logical that I know I don't have a chance of getting him to understand my position if I can't give him answers to these questions. I don't feel I owe him those answers, but I owe it to myself to be able to answer them. Thanks so much in advance. ed Jul 20, Opening up a marriage only works if both people are on board with it. You're understandably not on board with it.
After he asked once and you told him no, that should have been the end of it. The fact that he keeps pressuring you about it is disrespectful in my opinion. Some people in sexless marriages think that going outside the marriage for sex will fix the issue. A lot of this is born out of frustration from a spouse that is unwilling to acknowledge that there's an issue or unwilling to work with their spouse.
This doesn't appear to be the case here as you've said that you're willing to keep working toward a mutually satisfying sex life. There seems to be two issues going on here--lack of sex actual or perceivedand his newly found fascination with BDSM. Assuming your libido was just fine, there's no guarantee that you'd be into BDSM. He needs to be willing to accept that you just might not be ok with that stuff. How often do you two have sex? When you have sex, do you enjoy it?
ed Oct 23, What sort of time table do you have in mind when you say you will work on it? No libido since before kids, oldest is 5. That is brutal. Instead of thinking of this "bomb drop" as devastating think of it as a desperate plea to do something and avoid divorce, be thankful he is talking to you about it rather than acting. You do need a third party to figure out how much of this is a real need vs. It think, but I am not a shrink. ed Jan 23, The thing is, a marriage doesn't have to mean exclusive sex. There would be nothing wrong with him messing around with another person in some marriages.
Sex can be recreational sometimes. Obviously what's okay for some people isn't okay for everyone. Neither side is right or wrong, just different. But when you entered this marriage, you obviously had an expectation of exclusivity and he must have understood that. Now that he's not getting laid as much as he'd like to he's changed his tune.
It's really gross that he's trying to guilt you about this. He obviously understands why you don't agree with him because anyone would, but he's just going to keep pushing it until he gets what he wants. That's not really a "need" you can meet by yourself. If I were you, I'd say he can discuss sexuality and relationship dynamics with his next wife if it means that much to him. ed Jan 14, I would wonder why this is not something you would seriously consider.
You have no libido and sex hurts. He has a way to keep the marriage together and keep your family together. There are risks, but there are downsides every way you look at this.
My opinion is surely controversial, but it does seem like a win win. You said "i've always believed that's an intimacy that married people commit to sharing only with each other. You've denied him maritial intimacy. It was not part of what was important to you in your marriage, and your husband's thought process is in line with what you have taught him.
But it is reasonable to deny this request. Counseling is a good idea. Fozzy said:. I wish I had an answer on time table. I have no idea how long it will take to make real progress, and now I don't feel like anything I would consider to be real progress will ever be enough for him. I realize how hard that must be for him to hear, and not have a time table. Hoping a sex therapist will have a better answer.
Hicks said:. ed Jan 17, ed Jul 25, I'm sorry but I do not see anything your H is suggesting will work.Bugatti designs me a one-off Blondie edition!
The vows spoken do not include seeking sexual gratification is ok because it is only sex. The vows also include sickness and in health. Working on a health issue that is no fault of your own is the correct course. You are taking that course. Agree to all your H wants seeking sex outside of marriage ed Apr 24, This is what I'm trying to question for myself.
I want to have a libido again. I want to solve the physical issues and have a satisfying sexual relationship again. It hasn't been a choice for me to deprive or deny him of sex. I've tried to give him sexual attention to the best of my ability, while still accepting what I was going through. I don't think I could handle it. We might be able to stay together in the same house, but I can't imagine that I could still be in love with him and feel loved and want to be intimate. That's what I'm trying to figure out how to explain to him, and can't seem to do it in a way that he understands or accepts.
But yes, I think counseling is really the only option right now. Thanks for pushing my thinking. There are many men here in sexless marriages who are so frustrated and so unhappy they would love to be given the green light to seek sex outside of marriage.Looking for a playmate me hubby
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